She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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