So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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