i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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