If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
