I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
