the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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