If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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