By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
