I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.