Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
