I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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