fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
