Swine flu. Run for my life!
I skipped work to stalk him.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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