stop calling my apartment porn island.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
