Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
