i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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