I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize