Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize