My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
