Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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