My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just invented taco cereal.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
