I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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