My room smells like vodka and shame
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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