My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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