I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
