It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
