you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
