please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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