I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
