I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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