A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
