This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
