I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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