yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
