yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
