Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
