I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
