I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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