So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
