peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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