If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
