She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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