the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
