Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
