I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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