I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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