The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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