I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
