We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
