What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
