if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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