just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
