He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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