just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
