Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
