just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
