Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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