just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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