I'm so fucking centered right now
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
