Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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