You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
