From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
