i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
