thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
